I loved reading this article in The Benton County Daily Record by Maren Schmidt. Schmidt writes about knowing whether your child’s development is “on track.”
The most interesting part of the article for me was how to observe and learn from your child’s behavior. Children long for structure and high expectations. If they don’t receive consistent doses of these important parenting must-haves, they will deteriorate into unpleasant little beings.
Here is an excerpt of Schimdt’s article:
Behavior is, of course, a key component to our children’s development. In normal development, we should observe children who are joyful, pleasant, eager to please and connected to their families and homes. Two “emotional vitamins” for proper child development, recommended by Robert Shaw, M.D., are clear structure and expectations.
Shaw, author of “The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children,” says that “excessive tantrums, persistent bedtime issues and aggression toward playmates” are signs that development is going awry in the 3- to 6-year-old. These behaviors are a cry from the child for the parent to take charge and provide clear family structure and expectations for behavior. If unacceptable behaviors are given in to and the child placated, you have started on the path to a defiant, unruly child. Left unchallenged, the child’s behavior will become more and more difficult to handle.
To read more… click here.
January 26, 2009
What is discipline?
Discipline is guidance. When we guide children toward positive behavior and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. Positive guidance promotes self-control. Discipline requires thought, planning, and patience. The military teaches one to become disciplined much like a parent could instill in a child.
What is punishment?
Punishment is usually hitting, spanking, or any type of control behavior. Punishment is usually used because it is quick and easy and allows for an immediate way to vent adult frustration and exert power. It does not promote self discipline.
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Parents who use punishment as discipline utilize threats, physical pain or other negative approaches to end inappropriate behavior. They might feel the need for a decisive solution to the problem behavior, particularly during an embarrassing display by their child in a public place. They may also desire a quick fix that will minimize their own suffering or embarrassment or that of others: a very human response.
Unfortunately, at such times parents are not thinking of how they want their child to be as an adult; if they were, they would consider that a child who is spanked or threatened will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up. It’s logical, right? Like it or not, he learns from parents, and that is the example some parents are providing when the going gets tough.
What can parents do?
First, no one expects parents to be saints. The key to this problem is to let consequences, not punishment, become the right-hand partner in disciplinary efforts! A consequence is the natural result of an action. It has no intention to cause pain and is neither positive nor negative in itself; it is only a result. It’s also one of the most effective teachers out there.
When a child experiences a consequence from any source, whether positive or negative, take the time to explain how the consequence came about as a result of his actions. Enable him to connect the two.
When providing a consequence, make sure it is logically and immediately related to his actions. For instance, if an older child forgets to put his DVD in the return pile and the rental store charges a late fee, don’t ground him for a week… that isn’t specifically or immediately related to his action. Instead, show him the late fee and explain why it has been charged, then deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed with extra chores. He’ll be able to clearly connect his actions and the consequence – a much more effective learning tool.
September 3, 2008
Question:
Daddy feels left out during the terrible twos
I read the email about attachment theory and this came up in our household. Our 2 year-old son has always been real attached to his dad since he stayed home for 2 years with him. Dad is pretty strict with him, without needing many time outs – usually a firm voice will do. I, however have a different approach and will us timeouts when necessary but save the real “firmness” for matters of safety etc. We have noticed that since I am home from work now that anytime dad tries to do anything, even pick him up, he says, “No, daddy”. He does at times do this to me, but it’s really starting to bother both of us.
Response:
Has daddy gone to work outside of the home? It sounds to me like this is a “trust” issue between your son and dad right now. No worries though, this will be temporary due to his age. If it is true that daddy has left “the nest,” so to speak, then it is very important that a schedule and routine be developed for your little one to feel secure about daddy leaving and daddy returning. This will be difficult if daddy works out of town. Many times children feel like their parent has “abandoned” them when that is all they have known. Don’t feel guilty about it – set up a special ritual between daddy and son. For example, daddy can leave him a special note (picture) every morning on his pillow before he leaves for work and then when he returns each day daddy can give him piggyback rides or something in the yard to say… “look daddy is home and he loves to play with you.” This gives him something to look forward to with daddy and it will replace the current “mental abusive” type behavior he is exhibiting.
Daddy needs to continue using the same kind of firmness and love combination he used prior to this behavior – why? Because it has always worked between them! Many parents follow the wrong path when their child hits the two year mark because they feel like what they are doing isn’t working anymore. Don’t buy into that theory. Your son is going through what all two year olds go through… he is beginning to talk but can’t talk well enough for you to understand him (so he is frustrated), he doesn’t feel like he needs you as much anymore but he fears letting you go at the same time (so he is frustrated) and finally, he is a sensory learner who is trying to make sense of a lot of new information (by touching, tasting, etc…) and you are saying – “no!” “no!” “no!” (so he is overwhelmed and frustrated). Always remember to tell him what you want him to do instead of what not to do. Two-year olds can’t discriminate between what is right and wrong. Therefore, if he is beating on the dog, you have to say “no” firmly on his eye level and then practice what to do (the expected behavior) with him immediately. Immediately say… “we pat or rub the dog.” Smile and praise him for the good behavior and practice.
How do you all feel when you are frustrated? He probably has a lot of those same feelings. He may be irritable, whiny and combative. This all goes with two-year old territory. Stay firm, set boundaries, make a schedule and try hard to stick to it if possible so he knows what happens next (schedules greatly reduce frustration) and re-direct him to appropriate activities when he has gotten into something he shouldn’t be involved in. For example, if he is playing in the toilet. Get down to his eye level and firmly say, “no” then close the toilet lid. Say, “do you want to play in water?” He should respond with a word (yes), phrase (play water) or gesture. You then put him in the bathtub and let him play in water (if you aren’t going somewhere). He will act on what he hears – doesn’t matter if it is negative or positive because again, two-year olds can’t discriminate between positives and negatives.
Question:
I’m wondering if this is just a stage he is going through or if it is a reaction to what I view as daddy’s constant attempt to keep him in control. Dad is going to back down a bit and do things differently.
Response:
It is probably his age more than anything. Dad needs to continue acting in the role of the parent. No giving in to tantrums or allowing things he hasn’t allowed before. A tantrum is a sign that your son is frustrated. Use time out as a condition. A place to for him to calm down. Do NOT try and reason with a two-year old and don’t talk to him during a tantrum. Place him out of harms way (in time out) and approach him after he has settled down. Two-year olds can’t control their emotions very well. Tell him in three words or less why he went to time out – example, “no throwing toys.” Then take him to the toys and have him nicely play with or put away the toy. Praise his effort in doing this and don’t hark on the negative behavior. If you say… “you know better,” then you are wrong as a parent. Two-year olds don’t know better.
More than anything, I think dad needs to learn to choose his battles wisely during this age. Your son is going to do a lot of things that seem unacceptable but most of those things are just because he is trying to learn about the world around him. He isn’t trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings. He is investigating and this is a good thing. So… for example, let’s say he gets into the shaving cream (as my little one did at this age) and paints the couch. This is unacceptable and would probably send some parents through the roof. Did he do it to make me mad? No… he loves textures. He loves to paint. He is a sensory learner. Therefore, punishment, yelling, spanking and whatever else is not an acceptable outcome in this situation. After firmly saying, “no painting the couch,” he was placed immediately in the bathtub to finish painting on the walls of the tub. Then… the shaving cream was put up where he can’t get it again. Once again, try to turn negatives into learning experiences. This is the only way you can be assured he will not do it again. Now my little one only asks for the shaving cream in the bathtub. When he sees the couches to this very day, he says, “NO PAINT.”
Question:
My husband is really concerned that his relationship with our son is deteriorating. I don’t think it’s true, but any help would be appreciated!
Response:
From what you have told me, it sounds like the two of you have a perfect balance of discipline, love and support in the home. The next few months to a year will be challenging but you will get through. Always remember, your son moved in with you and you did not move in with him! Never, ever, ever let his temperament and tantrums cause you to back down from being in control, but do control in a positive light.
Good luck!
July 8, 2008
