When is a child’s behavior bad and when is it normal?

Question:

How do you handle a child who is completely out of control behaviorally? Some people tell me, “oh it is just his age and he will ‘outgrow’ it” still others look at me as if I have no control over my child. People stare and make comments (including my in-laws) that both anger and sadden me. I feel like a failure and he is only 3 years old. Is there such a thing as good and bad behaviors at each age?

Response:

This is a very good question. It might just be the most popular question parents ask in today’s society. There really is not one definitive answer because every person’s situation is different and no two visions of what is acceptable versus unacceptable behavior exist. There are social and emotional milestones for children at each age but children could be 3 to 6 months ahead of or behind these milestones and the behavior would still be appropriate for that age. Therefore, the best thing I can do for you is provide some strategies for you to use to increase appropriate behaviors and decrease the inappropriate, disruptive ones.

Before we get to the list, I am compelled to say that we must always begin with ourselves when there is a problem. Maybe we aren’t being consistent enough, maybe we are expecting too much of our little one or maybe we are trying to compare one child’s temperament to another. All of the aforementioned problems I am plead guilty to at one time or another. However, I realized none of those things were changing my son’s behavior instead making it worse. I had used the excuse for long enough that I was a kindergarten teacher. I could control 30 five-year olds by myself with no problems but then there was my one and only three year old that I seemingly could do nothing right in regards to modifying his behavior. I had to do different to have different.

• First, I looked at who my child was.
• Then I observed him for one solid week to see what made him tick. I wasn’t observing how good the neighbor’s child was or how nicely other children behaved in the grocery store like I had done other day. Just him… he had my undivided attention for the week.
• Finally, I told everyone I could think of about MY problem with creating a discipline plan for him and how hard it was for me to remain positive amiss his terrible behavior.

What happened next was amazing. Everyone began supporting me with positive praise and I in turn supported him with positive praise. His bad choices slowly and steadily declined while his good choices increased daily. We were both happier. I was happier for having learned not to be so judgmental and he for having a more consistent and positive parent. I began focusing on the behavior as “bad choices” instead of the child being a “bad child.” I began teaching my child how I wanted him to behave instead of thinking he should just know better because other children seem to “know better.”

Here are some strategies I learned to use both as a parent and educator:

Children don’t develop good ‘reasoning’ skills until they are at least six years old

and older for some children. Saying things like, “you know better” or “how do you

think mommy feels?” will not work with young children. You might get lucky a

few times but it certainly will not be consistent. Therefore, remember that you are

talking to a child and not a little adult. This is the most difficult part of being a

parent but also the most rewarding when you are successful at communicating

with your child.

• Get on your child’s eye level and make direct eye contact before giving an instruction.
• If your child can speak well enough, ask him to repeat what you asked him to do
• Give one direction at a time, not in a long list.
• Physical contact (touching his shoulder or back) can help your child focus
• Understand your child’s age well enough to know how long and in what ways he is truly able to play “by himself” or behave in a certain manner, so you don’t get frustrated when your expectations are too high

Strategies for maintaining structure

• Establish predictable routines for morning and evening.
• Break everything down into small steps with three to four words in a step (for example: 1. clothes off 2. in the tub 3. wash myself 4. dry off 5. get dressed
• Take pictures of your child completing tasks (such as the ones above) and place the photos on a piece of poster board in order for a visual cue. Look at the chart together and celebrate each time he accomplishes a task to teach persistence and build self-esteem.
• Keep your child busy with scheduled, supervised activities, but don’t pile on so many that the child is overwhelmed.
• Insufficient sleep makes attention problems worse, so insist that your child have a regular bedtime and enough rest – see number of hours for your child by clicking here
• Being over-stimulated, overtired or hungry easily creates frustration which leads to tantrums so plan ahead to reduce these problems

Strategies for using rules and time-outs

• Always review rules (short and no more than 3 to 5 rules) before entering a new environment or an environment you don’t frequent often – SIDE NOTE: Rules are what you want to see and not what you don’t want to see
• Set household rules and behavioral goals (as early as two years of age) and adhere to them consistently
• Time-out should be a condition for the child and not a punishment (using it this way will teach the child over time to remove himself from bad situations and how to calm himself)
• Use time out as a place for “decompression” and removal from the family unit.
• Practice going to time out when your child is making good choices – how to sit still and quiet. Time out is where you go when you make bad choices but helps us, too!
• You have to be the model and pretend to be in time out, too.
• Your child should sit in the time out chair or spot for 1 minute per year of age. Time should start after your child sits still and quiet (this applies to 3.5 year olds and older)
• Do not talk to your child during a tantrum, it is meaningless and accomplishes nothing. When he is calm tell him in a short phrase why he went to time out and then practice what he should do next time together.
• Learn to “smell the roses” (breathe in a deep breath) and “blow out the birthday candles” (blow out a deep breath, as if you are blowing out candles) when you are upset and teach this strategy to your child. This technique is a visual cue that the other person (mommy, daddy or the child) is upset and a stress-reliever that reduces your yelling/screaming.

Strategies for improving organization and time management

• Set up your home in an organized way: a place for everything and everything in its place.
• Allow enough time for what your child needs to do to become independent, such as getting undressed, getting dressed, putting on shoes, bathing oneself, eating with utensils, pouring a drink, etc…
• Build a family schedule and try hard to stick to it – make sure there is a balance between active times and quiet times for your child.

Good luck and best wishes for an abundance of happy days -

Tracey Bryant Stuckey

Chief Creative Learning Officer

www.wigglegigglelearn.com

http://traceybryantstuckey.com